B. Robert Farzad

A Blog About Marriage, Divorce and Children

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How Can I Control My Emotions During Divorce?

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A husband and wife verbally lash out at each other during the divorce. It’s in text messages, emails, phone calls. They know what they’re doing is foolish. Maybe each spouse also knows what they’re writing will be used against them in court, especially if there are admissions made that become relevant in a custody case. But they can’t help themselves. Rehashing bitter moments during the marriage is too easy. So is blaming the other for the breakup and the problems that have followed since separation. Sound familiar?

The heightened emotions in divorce

If you’ve ever been through a divorce or know someone close to you who has, it should. It’s pretty common. We divorce lawyers see it regularly although our lawyers (the ones in our firm) do a pretty darn good job of educating our clients about both the foolishness and legal consequences that could follow such conduct. Still though, nobody is immune from the melt down.

Understanding the triggers that cause the emotional turmoil

So how do you stop it? I have talked to colleagues, judges, psychologists and many others who have a professional or clinical perspective on this. But the best perspective didn’t come from them. It has come from experience in studying the triggers that cause such verbal attacks. You see, you cannot stop humans from being human, which is to say we will all stay things we regret from time to time but if you study the triggers for such behaviors (what led to them), control is no longer an adolescent illusion.

What are the triggers? I am glad you asked. [Read more…] about How Can I Control My Emotions During Divorce?

Micromanaging Family and Children Does Not Work – Especially During Divorce

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Let’s talk about micromanaging family and especially children, but from a different angle than you may think. We are going to look at a case study, a couple I observed in Court this past week.

For the most part, I very much enjoy what I do for a living. I get to help good people who are going through one of the more difficult chapters of their life. I receive the opportunity to meet husbands and wives who truly need guidance on how to pick up the pieces from a failed marriage and move forward with the love of their children as well as their own personal sanity intact.

Unfortunately, every once in a while I sit in court and watch a husband and wife behave in such a childish manner that I wonder how they ever made it this far in life. I should be thankful that this rarely if ever happens to any of my own clients.

Let me tell you about one husband and wife who, while I waited for my case to be called, could learn a very valuable lesson in common sense. [Read more…] about Micromanaging Family and Children Does Not Work – Especially During Divorce

Where Do Domestic Violence Victims Turn When Law Enforcement Does Nothing?

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Every day, victims of domestic violence walk into courtrooms and request restraining orders. These orders are almost always against the current or ex spouses or boyfriend / girlfriend. I have seen horrific domestic violence cases. I have represented victims that have been punched, kicked, beaten and their life and that of their children threatened. I have obtained restraining orders only to have the perpetrator violate the order, so that I go back to Court and get even more strict orders that cut off all communication and take all custody and visitation of children away from the perpetrator.

You know what I don’t see very often anymore?

The police and prosecution doing their job. [Read more…] about Where Do Domestic Violence Victims Turn When Law Enforcement Does Nothing?

How do you Talk to Children About Custody?

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Read most Family Court custody orders and you’ll see a couple of lines that discourages the parents from getting the children involved in the divorce and custody disputes. Some orders go as far as stating the parents shall not speak with the children about such things. The genesis of these orders is obvious – the Family Court doesn’t want to get the children embroiled in the parents’ divorce or custody disputes. But how practical is that? Are parents really expected to shield their children from that which is right in front of their eyes? Are parents expected to lie to the kids? The answer isn’t easy but through long experience and seeing what works and what doesn’t, I have come to the following conclusion – use a “need to know” basis as your rule of thumb. [Read more…] about How do you Talk to Children About Custody?

Co-Parenting Between Divorced Spouses Starts With Respect But Not of the Kind You May Think

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Think about a marriage. How does a successful one work? Trust – of course. Honesty – that and trust are two peas in a pod. Communication – yes and that includes both listening and sharing. Anything else? The most important thing of course – respect. It is the foundation to any successful relationship. It is the same core mandate for married couples, business partners, friend, family and, to your potential surprise, separated or divorced spouses. It is the key to co-parenting.

What possibly could I be talking about? If respect was so important to a marriage and the marriage ended in a divorce, then clearly respect was lacking, right? How can I be so unreasonable to expect two separated or divorced couples to “respect” each other as part of the co-parenting? Especially in high-conflict divorce cases? I am not asking that. Rather, I ask each of you to respect the other’s role as a parent to the same children. [Read more…] about Co-Parenting Between Divorced Spouses Starts With Respect But Not of the Kind You May Think

Divorce and Children. The Unhealthy Connection Between Money and Timeshare

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The word “timeshare” isn’t just a piece of vacation real estate in the Bahamas. When it comes to children and custody, it’s the hours during the week, month and year they spend with each parent. Two parents who share a schedule that allows them to see their children 50 percent of the time have an equal timeshare. The percentages vary from one divorce case to another. But timeshare isn’t just time. Timeshare is money – sometimes lots of it, to the tune of thousands of dollars per month – and the parent with the greater time often receives the greater money. Unfortunately, it is this simple fact that accounts for many family court custody battles when one parent seeks a change in custody not for the children’s best interest but solely to modify child support. [Read more…] about Divorce and Children. The Unhealthy Connection Between Money and Timeshare